Casino Gambling Jokes
A land-based casinois the best place for gamblers to entertain themselves during theirleisure. When you visit a casino, you get more than just the thrillof gambling. You meet new people, share life experiences and listento amazing gambling jokes. The fun in a landbased casino is far morethan the fun you enjoy when you’re using an online casino exceptyou’re naturally an introvert. To enjoy your visit to the casino, youhave to contribute as much as you collect. So, don’t just listen toconversations, contribute and tell jokes too. If you don’t know anyinteresting gambling jokes, all you have to do is learn some. Thereare different types of gambling jokes. Some are for poker games, someare for card games, some are for slot machine games and some are forgambling in general. There are even gambling puns and wordplay thatwould blow your mind or the mind of players away.
Casino puns and gambling jokes are making the whole world a wonderful. Casino players will be better than politics “What’s the difference between casino players and politicians? – Casino players sometimes tell the truth.” Guys with nothing left to lose tend not to bluff in poker. They stand to gain the most out of this with card jokes. I'D RATHER BE AT THE CASINO Funny Vegas Gift Idea Long Sleeve T-Shirt. Get it as soon as Tue, Nov 10. Sarcastic Poker Gambling Text Joke Lover.
Top 7 Best GamblingJokes
Casino Gambling Jokes Games
1. The Blonde WhoWon a Motorhome
One day, a blondelady walked into a restaurant to buy a cup of coffee. While drinkingthe coffee, she noticed a peel and win a sticker. As she peels itoff, she starts screaming “I have won a motor home” overand over again. One of the waitresses in the restaurant tells herit’s impossible for her to win a motorhome because the highest prizethey offer in the restaurant is a free plate of food for lunch. Theblonde lady insists that the prize on the sticker is a motorhomedespite what the waitress says. The noise attracts the manager whorepeats the same thing the waitress said. In a bid to convince themanager that what she won is a motor home, she hands the ticket overto the manager who takes one look at it and screams “W I N A BA”.
2. The Man WhoPlayed Poker With A Dog
This joke is about aman who goes into a bar and finds a dog playing poker. As soon as hesaw the dog, he was surprised and curious at the same time. Since healso wanted to play, he went to the table and sat down with otherplayers. All the players didn’t act funny like there was anythingunusual on the table. As the man sat down, the dealer shared the cardfor everyone on the table including the dog. The dog did everything ahuman would do when cards are dealt to them. The man could no longerkeep his curiosity to himself anymore so he said; “I can notbelieve that this dog is playing poker. He has to be the smartest dogin the entire world”. In response one of the players said; “heis not so smart, he wags his tail each time he is dealt a good hand”.
3. The Mom Who TriedTo Stop Her Son From Gambling
A mother who isworried about her son’s gambling habits goes to the headmaster of hisschool to complain about the issue. The mom tells the headmaster thatshe doesn’t know where her son got the gambling habit from but shewould love it if the headmaster can help with the issue. Theheadmaster agreed to help the boy. The following day, the headmastercalled the boy’s mother and told her that he has cured the boy’sgambling problem. When the mother asked him how the headmasterreplied; “He placed a $5 bet that my bead is false. I permittedhim to pull it to test his theory. After he pulled it and confirmedthat it was not artificial, he lost the bet and had to pay me the $5.I believe he has learned one or two lessons.” In response, themother said “No, he’s not going to learn any lesson. Yesterdayhe placed a $10 bet with me that you would give him permission topull your beard before the end of the week.”
4. Jack Gambles InVagas
During a weekendgetaway in Las Vegas, Jack lost all his money gambling. Things wereso bad that he had to borrow money from another player just to usethe toilet. However, when he got to the toilet, the stall was open sohe didn’t need to use the money for the toilet. He decided to use themoney the other player gave him to play a slot game instead of usingthe toilet. He won some cash. After winning, he took the money to theblackjack table were his luck increased and he won $5 million.Following his big break, he became a local celebrity who was invitedto give lectures from time to time. Each time he went for a lecture,he would talk about how he is looking forward to meeting the man whohelped him win his fortune. He said he intends to share his fortunewith the man. One faithful day, during the lecture, someone in theaudience stood up and said: “I am the one that gave you thecoin”. In reply, the man said “You are not the one I amlooking for. I am looking for the man that left the stall open.”
5. The Boy WhoSwallowed a Quarter
During a game in thecasino one faithful day, a man started screaming “My child ischoking! Help, he swallowed a quarter! Somebody, please help him! Asexpected, one of the players in the casino quickly offered to helpbecause he has ample experience with things like these. The manquietly put his arms around the boy’s tummy and squeezed until thequarter came out. After that, he walked quietly back to his seatwithout saying a word. The relieved and grateful father asked theman; “Thank you so much, are you a paramedic? In reply, the mansaid, “No, I am not, I work for the IRS”.
6. Should We Tip theDealer?
One day in a casino,a player who had a thirteen count hand was arguing with a blackjackdealer. The argument was about tipping. The dealer said it wasimportant for the players to tip the dealers whenever they are dealtgood cards. The player had the opposite opinion. He said that thedealer should not be tipped because they have no control over thecards that are given to the player, whether it is good or bad. Tocounter the payer, the dealer said “do you tip the waiter whenyou eat out? The player said yes. In response, the dealer said “Iserve you cards just like the waiter serves you food. So you have totip me too”. To wrap it up, the player said “okay, but thewaiter always gives me what I want. So, give me an eight.”
7. The Drunk BlondeWho Gambles Naked
One day, a drugblonde from Ireland walked into a casino and placed a bet of $20,000on a single game. Before the dice were rolled, she said to the otherplayers “I hope you guys don’t mind but I usually feel luckywhen I play completely naked”. Without waiting for anyone torespond, she strips naked and rolls the dice. While the dice arerolling, she screamed: “Oh baby, Mama needs some new clothes”.As soon as the dice stopped rolling, she screamed in excitementbecause she won. She hugged the dealers while she was still naked.After that, she wore her clothes, packed all her earnings and leftthe casino. When she stepped out, the dealers stared at each othercluelessly until one of them asked: “what exactly did she justroll?” Another dealer replied, “I have no idea, I thoughtyou were paying attention?”
These are just a fewof the most common gambling jokes. You can tap into your creativejuices and come up with great gambling jokes yourself. Don’t feel badif others don’t find your jokes funny. Just keep trying and you willget there eventually.
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What is the difference between Phil Hellmuth and a dog?
The dog will eventually stop whining.
What is the difference between a Phil Hellmuth and God?
God doesn’t think He’s a Phil Hellmuth.
What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years, the dog quits whining.
Why is “a man” like a deck of cards? Because you need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his head in, and a spade to bury the bastard.
Nice hand, sir.. and by hand I mean catch.. and by sir I mean dumbass.
If you're a guy, you know you play too much Poker if your dreams involve nuts instead of breasts.
- Unknown Player
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted.
- W.C. Fields
Q: What are a Man's three favorite games?
A. Checker, Chess, and Poker. (If you didn't get it say it quickly to yourself)
Money isn't everything … unless you're playing in a rebuy tournament.
- Anonymous
Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.
Poker is like sex... if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.
Poker is a lot like sex, everyone thinks they are the best, but most don't have a clue what they are doing.
- Dutch Boyd
Sign you might have a poker addiction: your kids are named check and raise.
Q: What is the biggest difference between a church and a poker room?
A: In a poker room, you really mean it when you pray!!
What are vampires playing poker for? High stakes.
Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck
Even Your Poker Face Is Ugly
Poker has the only river in the world you can drown in more than once.
I am folding faster than superman on washing day.
What's the difference between a pizza and a poker player? One can feed a family of three.
Q: How can you get a professional poker player off your balcony?
A: Just pay him for the Pizza!
Q: How can you tell when a professional poker player is lying?
A: His chips are moving
Q: Did you hear about the Los Angeles local poker hand?
A: Its Four Clubs beat a King
There are TWO basic rules for winning in poker:
1. never tell anyone anything
What is Bill Clinton's favorite game? Poke-her.
What do you call a poker player without a girlfriend? Homeless.
What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table?
Answer: I thought you were a cheetah.
Why didn’t the elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
I couldn't hit a river if I fell out of the boat.
AK: Anna Kournikova. Looks great. Never wins.
AK: Anna Kournikovz. Looks great but doesn't win much.
My chip stack is up and down more than a hooker's panties.
Do you have blisters on your a**? Because that is one hot seat your in.
I hope you don't make love the way you play tournaments... all in and done in under a minute.
I've had more flushes sucked out of me than a public toilet.
There's more fish in here than Seaworld.
He folded like a K-Mart lawnchair.
I wouldn't wipe my a** with those cards if I was out of toilet paper.
Making that call qualifies you for the Special Olympics.
That isn't a hand, it's a height.
There's a reason you lie in poker... you can't always be the best player at the table.
Some cowboys were playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand, and another jumped up, yelling, “He’s cheatin! He aint playin the cards I dealt him!”
A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”
In a book store:
“I am looking for the book named 'How to win easily and fast with poker.'
Clerk says: “Please check the science fiction section.”
Someone bets, say, $35. Some other guy, a player at the back of him will say, 'I was going to call $34, but $35 is just too much.'
Husband Comes Home After A Poker Game...
I came home from the pub four hours late last night. “Where the fuck have you been?” screamed my wife.
I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”
“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”
“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”
What does “a safe game at low limits” mean?
The wife of a doctor called the poker room to get her husband paged. They refused. The house doesn't make doctor calls.
May the flop be with you.
Doyle Brunson
In the poker game of life, women are the rake
- Worm (Ed Norton) in Rounders
Your best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom.
- V.P. Pappy
Last night I got thrown out of a casino… apparently I completely misunderstood the crap table.
If I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all.
- Unknow Author
I can't even catch a cold.
I need a hand that doesn't look like a foot.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- Steven Wright
A faint heart never filled a spade flush.
- Anonymous
You played that hand like a vegan.
- Erick Lindgren to Daniel Negreanu
Dear Lord, help me to break even. I need the money.
-Anonymous
A king can do no wrong … unless it runs into an ace.
- Anonymous
A Smith & Wesson beats four Aces.
- Anonymous
Forgive your enemies but remember the bastard's name!
- Doyle Brunson
The poker pool could use a little chlorine.
- Doyle Brunson
In the long run there's no luck in poker, but the short run is longer than most people know.
- Rick Bennet
Trust everyone, but always cut the cards.
- Benny Binion
'When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do: kick over the table.'
- Dean Martin
Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.
- George Carlin
'Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people.'
— Samantha Bee
It's unlucky to be superstitious.
♣ Dave Enteles, Card Player
Forget about a chip and a chair; give me a hand and I’ll stand.
- Warren Karp
All I know is, if the cards ever break even — I’m screwed.
- Rich Korbin
If the shoe fits, steal it.
- Lou Krieger
To be a poker champion, you must have a strong bladder.
- Jack McClelland
There is more to poker than life.
- Tom McEvoy
It's not whether you won or lost, but how many bad-beat stories you were able to tell.
- Grantland Rice, Sportswriter
They say poker is a zero-sum game. It must be, because every time I play my sum ends up zero.
- Max Shapiro
It never hurts for potential opponents to think you’re more than a little stupid and can hardly count all the money in your hip pocket, much less hold on to it.
- Amarillo Slim
Old card players never die, they just shuffle away.
- Author Unknown
Put yourself in their shoes before you decide on the best way to take their shirts.
- David Sklansky
The only thing more profitable at a poker table than a man's ego is the rake.
- Tawnia
Omaha is a game that was invented by a Sadist and is played by Masochists.
- Shane Smith
Poker... I hardly even know her!
- Jack Styles
I must complain the cards are ill shuffled till I have a good hand.
- Jonathan Swift (1728)
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.
- R.E. Shay
After a donkey goes busted: 'He's in donkey heaven now.'
About a really bad player: 'Even a donkey would think he's a donkey.'
That isn't a hand, it's a height.
Directed at a tournament player constantly using their timebank...
'Come on ... I've seen continents drift faster than you play'
Let me put on my blindfold and we'll play pin the tail on the donkey.
I've folded more hands than an undertaker.
I've seen more rags than a janitor.
I don't have a straw long enough to suck out on you.
How do you get 80 nice old ladies to curse at the same time? Yell 'Bingo'.
A man joins Gamblers Anonymous. He’s given three-to-one odds he won’t make it.
Besides lovemaking and singing in the shower, there aren’t many human activities where there is a greater difference between a person’s self-delusional ability and actual ability than in poker.
-Anonymous
What do you call a Poker Player with half a brain? Gifted
What is poker hell like? A limit game at 9:00 AM.
Q: What does a poker player eat for dinner?
A: Whatever his comp card allows him to.
What does a poker player eat for dinner? Fish and Chips
What is a poker player's favorite food? Fish and Chips
I'm in Vegas last week and a guy is standing in front of the Shoe and he appears to be pan handling. I wander by and he say's to me 'Sir, my wife has died, but I need money to bury her. Can you help me out?' I get a bit huffy and say back to him 'Why should I give you money. You're just going to take it and go gambling!' He looks at me and says ' You got it all wrong, I've got gambling money!'
What's a poker dealer's favorite song? 'Everyday I'm shuffling'.
You can only play pocket jacks 3 ways, all of which are wrong.
LIFE IS LIKE POKER - If you don't have a big enough stack... No one really notices when you are all in
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Poker jokes are like butt cracks- everyone has one and they all stink.
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Last edited by TDTAT on 15.01.2020, 12:02; edited 16 times in total